I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
