she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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