Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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