Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
