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i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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