all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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