I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
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