Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
