i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
