would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
