No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he puts the penis in happiness.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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