she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Damn victory sex feels great
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
