I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
