i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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