I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
