I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
