Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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