I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
