babies were throwing up all over the place
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I want to fling myself into the sun
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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