we have pet lesbian snakes
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
