So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
