dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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