Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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