i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
