If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
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