I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
