K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
