I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
