I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
