i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
