It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
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Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
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Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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