I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
