even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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