Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
