Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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