how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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