All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
