Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
