When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
