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Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
zippers are such a cool invention
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!