I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.