Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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