true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Redeem this text for a blowjob
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Even my vagina gasped.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
