how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
