guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
My cat gives me a boner
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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