hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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