I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
how drunk are you?
Several
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
