the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
