I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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