Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
