why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
