so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
