I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
