just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Randomize
