i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
